I am doing it.

Yesterday was crazy. One of those days I look back at and say I'm glad that's over. 

It started in the wee hours of the morning getting up with Jane a few times (which is unusual) and hearing my kids arguing and yelling as they got ready for school. I got up out of bed, tried to smooth things over and made lunches, signed papers, (again, I usually do these things the night before) filled water bottles, made breakfast, had prayers and scriptures, and kissed kids as they headed out the door. 

After a few chores I headed out the door with Luke, Henry, and Jane for swim lessons. Luke and Henry's swim teacher forgot. Again. Mental note: wait until next spring or teach them myself. 

An hour and a half later we were back home having baths, lunches, and getting Luke ready for kindergarten. I fit in a run and shower and put Jane down for a nap too. 

I get a call from the principal's office: Evan had a pocket knife at school. Luckily the principal will not expel him and will keep him in the office to do the rest of his schoolwork that day because he knows he had no "malicious intent". My dear Evan. To have a pocket knife at scout camp is the most awesome thing ever. To have it at school, even just to show to a friend, is the worst thing ever. I feel somewhat responsible for not being clear about these mixed messages beforehand and am now worrying about how he'll react to this as well as other parents. (Luckily all seems better today.)

The best part of my day: a play date with sweet friends and watching Jane literally do planks and attempt a somersault. This girl!

Then it was back home to talk with kids, help with homework, practice instruments, sign more papers, fill sippycups, referee fights, kiss boo-boos, soothe Janey, make dinner, clean up, read stories, scriptures, prayers and bedtime. And feed Janey like 5 more times for the next 12 hours. (Seriously, she must be growing, teething, or something!) 

I looked in the mirror this morning and I look worn. And exhausted. And I don't always recognize myself. My life is for my kids right now. Sometimes that's beautiful and joyful. And sometimes that's hard. Especially on days when I don't see my husband at all because he's working hard for us too. Just in a different way. 

Sometimes on these days I try to imagine what it will be like when my kids have all left and are all in school or other activities. Wow. Freedom. I can choose how I plan my day and how I use my time. It will be mine. I can strengthen skills or enjoy new and old hobbies. I can clean my house in half the time (and keep it that way)! And I can catch up with friends, volunteer, join an adult swim team, read books, take a nap! The list goes on. 

But then I started to think how my heart would ache. I would miss their voices. Their tiny little hands in mine. Taking them to the library, the store, swim lessons. Seeing their looks of wonder, joy, and their loving adoration for me, their mother...The one they can always count on, the one who gave them life and continues to keep them alive. The one who saw all their first's, their every waking moments for the first years of their lives. 

On these crazy days I try to remember those feelings. To remember I never get these days back. It helps me to keep going, to keep trying, even on these crazy days!! I am doing it. One day, one small moment at a time. I am serving and teaching and giving my all to these kiddos of mine. I hope and pray and pray some more that that will be enough.