Sometimes I can't believe these pictures were taken a year ago. A year ago! And sometimes, after all of the sleepless nights and endless days, I totally can. One of the many paradoxes of motherhood.
These pictures mean so much to me because it captures my life at a crossroad. I had a range of feelings during this time: wrapping my head around becoming a mother of 5! not yet knowing if I would have another son or daughter, feeling worn and exhausted, feeling joyful and excited beyond belief, and just ready...ready to start this new adventure.
I think these pictures will come to mean more and more to me as the years go by. Each pregnancy of each of my children holds a special place in my heart, but this time-this time I
knew was my last. My last time to hear a heartbeat within me not my own, to feel the flutters and then strong kicks of a growing baby, to sacrifice and grow-both physically and spiritually, and to anticipate-anticipate all of those sweet little features of this little one. What would he/she look like? What will be her/his strengths? Dreams? How will he/she change our family?
Jonathan and I had felt months before that this baby was meant to be. Honestly, I thought I was done having children and that our family was complete, but a small voice inside of me insisted there was one more. I couldn't believe it at first and didn't want to face making the decision at all. So I just went on in denial for awhile. Haven't we all been there about something big and important we weren't ready to face? It wasn't that I didn't want another baby, I just didn't think I could take that on.
But it was Jonathan who came to me one day and said he had felt like it was time. I decided to pray for myself and received the answer that yes it was time to start trying to have a baby. I was scared and felt a little CRAZY, but summer of 2015 we decided to act in faith. Soon after we found out we were expecting!!!
Jonathan and I were on a little anniversary getaway the morning I found out and I'll never forget his reaction: Elation, confirmation, nerves, and his determination to take complete care of me in this next journey together. I didn't know then how much I would need him the next 9 months. I've never had easy pregnancies, but with my age and many other responsibilities this pregnancy would prove to be my most difficult yet. I started feeling the usual morning sickness and then on my way home one day I became extremely dizzy to the point where I couldn't drive anymore. With the dizzy spells and vomiting, I basically was on bedrest for the first 4 months of my pregnancy. And Jonathan took over. I mean, the man stocked our fridge with Belgian chocolate milk each morning so I could have something to get me going each day without throwing up! Seriously, he's the best. And luckily, around Christmas these symptoms started lifting a bit...and then the exhaustion set in.
I was determined though to keep up with my kids and while they were off-track last January, we made a list of things to do together and made lots of fun memories. I am so grateful for that time! The kids were SO excited to be having another brother or sister soon, but just as I do, they forget what a transition it can be to add another baby. I knew I wouldn't be able to just pick up and go as easily and that I would need them to become a little more independent than before once the baby was here. So I cherished that time just the four of them and me and being able to give them all my attention. We crafted, went to museums, read books at the library, indulged in treats, baked, played games, and watched movies. It was awesome.
I love these kids so much! They are pure and good and have each taught me so much. They've taught me to love, to forgive, to have fun, to not sweat the small stuff, to give without restraint, to be JOYFUL, to happily help, to trust, and many more things. What a joy to anticipate and add another one to our crew! And another opportunity to grow as a mother and as a family.
In the weeks leading up to Jane's birth, the kids made sweet notes and gifts for the baby, I quilted (two quilts: one for a boy and one for a girl), and Jonathan and I shifted rooms around in our home to make room for our family of seven. We had a new mudroom and laundry room put in our house as well as other little projects. It was a happy and busy time...
but nothing like how happy and busy it would be just a couple of months later!
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