This Day

Our Luke...our light

I have to say that this Christmas and New Year's have been the most fulfilling and happy I've ever had. It was such a joy to spend time with family and friends and to watch my children and the pure excitement and love for those around them. And I think it was also a time of pure gratitude. It has been quite a year for us and it was so beautiful to begin this year with the blessing of our sweet, precious Luke yesterday. The day exceeded my expectations tremendously and as I watched these dear men hold Luke so carefully as Jonathan spoke such beautiful words to him, my heart was so happy and my joy so full.

Yesterday as I reflected on Luke and all that has transpired in the past year, my heart remembered the sorrow and emptiness I so felt a year ago. I was sad. It was a dreary time of year and I felt that within me as well. That past August we had found out I was pregnant and although it was quite a surprise, it was very much a welcome surprise. I was due the beginning of April and was elated to be having another child. But I was nervous too. As the days went by I didn't feel anything and that is very unusual for me. I usually feel nauseous within the first weeks of my pregnancy. And I felt nothing. Then, after some tests, the doctor called one Sunday afternoon and told me I was going to miscarry. He assured me it was very normal and that it just wasn't meant to be. I couldn't believe it. It had felt so right when we found out I was pregnant and now, it was gone. The dreams in my head, the feelings in my heart...just like that, gone. I felt very numb at first and just wanted to be done with it all so I could move on and get pregnant again. I felt very strongly that we were supposed to have another baby, and wanted it to happen soon so I did not have to face my grief. But weeks went by. I had two chemical pregnancies and my body seemed to be out of rhythm.

I would pray and pray and the answer was always...trust. Just trust. But I wasn't sure what to trust in? Was I done having children? Maybe my body would not be able to physically have any more children, but I knew I was certainly not ready to be done emotionally. There would be nights where I would wake up with these thoughts, panicking and sobbing, wondering if I would ever have another baby again. I felt like I was a failure all around. My friends and other women around me were all pregnant it seemed and I would let the negative thoughts creep in that I was just not good enough to have more children...that I was less of a woman and mother. My body was not doing what it was meant to do and I didn't understand why.

But a new year began, another birthday and beginning for me, and I was determined to enjoy it. I remember having the thought that a lot can happen in one year. And then, after feeling inspired to receive medical help, I was pregnant again much more quickly than we had anticipated. I was very cautious this time around, but with each little milestone, I was much more thankful too and much more tolerant or oblivious to the 28 weeks of nausea and headaches.

And now one year later, we are celebrating our beautiful Luke and his entrance into this world. I can hardly remember the pain because of the great joy I feel now with him in our lives. It makes me stand in awe of my Savior, of His beautiful plan for each of us. It is always better in the end than we can ever imagine because it is His way and He has allowed us to stretch and grow and become more along the way. Usually the hardest part is not knowing when that end is, and enduring until we find it. All I needed to do was to trust. Just trust Him and His love for me.

I hope after going through this trial, that when other trials come my way I might be a little more tolerant, a little less dramatic, a little more patient, a little more hopeful and a little more sure of my Savior's love and sacrifice for me.