In this season...learning about protecting

Last night we took the kids to one of the nearby pumpkin patches and let them each pick out a pumpkin of their very own. The field was filled with rows upon rows of bright orange pumpkins and pops of brilliant white, green, and black ones too. The kids grabbed a little wheelbarrow and started going up and down the rows in excitement, trying to find the perfect one. They ran, shouted, laughed, exclaimed, helped, and smiled as they went along. I took time to savor, to notice and observe each one of my children, to enjoy this moment. For these moments are some of the best when we're together, participating in traditions, cherishing a new season, and anticipating what it will bring. These moments are when love abounds. I looked over at my oldest carrying my youngest. She was pointing out each pumpkin in view, her smile as bright and big as his. I noticed my Lukey skipping and jumping down the rows just excited to be there, basking in the warmth around him. I noticed my Evan, eyes wide with wonder at all of the choices around him, exclaiming at each pumpkin--their shapes, sizes, and colors. His mission was to find the right one for him. I noticed their little hands, their innocent eyes, their endless smiles, their joy unfeigned. They felt at ease and happy here, and oh, how I wanted it to last forever! In this moment they were with me, I could protect them and have them close.

I've thought a lot about this role of protector recently, and how it fits into motherhood, especially as I have sent Madelyn and Evan off to school this year. Madelyn has a strict teacher this year and it has caused her some anxiety about going to school. The rules and expectations are uncertain and the consequences can be unwavering and harsh. My Mama Bear has come out as I go back and forth on when and how to intercede for her and when to let her learn and grow from the experience. Sometimes I have felt it necessary to talk to her teacher, to defend my daughter, to explain who I know her to be--her personality, her strengths, her fears, her weaknesses, her heart. Sometimes I have just let the situation play out with her either learning to cope and let go or stretch and grow. I have taken cues from her too and know when certain emotions validate certain actions. It has been hard. It is hard to watch your children go through certain things that cause pain, hurt, anxiety. It is hard to know when to protect them and when to allow that pain and discomfort to stretch them, teach them, and mold them into a stronger version of themselves. It sometimes feels like an experiment and I do not always get it right as it takes time to evaluate each situation and variable, and as sometimes these situations arise in places and at times least expected.

I have been thinking about a recent experience our family had that left my kids feelings embarrassed, hurt, confused, and in tears from the actions of others. In this situation I did not handle things the way I would have liked to and my tolerance and patience were all but gone in the end. As time unfolded, instances occurred that left us all feeling stressed, a burden, and my kids--bad. These are not new feelings unfortunately. We are a family of 6 and these feelings happen. But, at this time my heart ached for them as I saw their confusion to their normal behavior. They had felt bad for doing/being/saying things and as they were dealt with in an uncompassionate way by adults around them. There are moments, yes, when kids need to be lovingly corrected by preferably a parent, but there are times when kids are just being kids--pure and innocent. I left wondering did I protect them or did I come off too strong? In this instance, intercession was necessary, but should have been done in a direct and polite manner to those offending my children.  Instead I indirectly let my disapproval be known and in the end felt that I did not protect them in a way that they could feel. I am truly always learning.

As I've thought about this, I'm reminded that these are Heavenly Father's children and He mercifully prompts us and helps us to feel and know when to protect them. This Mama Bear in me is innate and God-given, but it is a learning process for me to know how and when to use this ability. I am not perfect and many times fall short as a mother, but I want what is best for them. I love them and their Father in Heaven loves them and I know as I seek His guidance I will know what to do.